


Without Black, Colour Has No Depth

by whereyoustand



Series: Ashton Irwin Is Sad :( [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ashton Irwin-centric, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Therapy, ashton irwin needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:13:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22099249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whereyoustand/pseuds/whereyoustand
Summary: "Shit, sorry! Can you tell me what colour?" Michael asked."Black. It's so black."---------OR: Ashton needs help.
Relationships: Michael Clifford & Luke Hemmings & Calum Hood & Ashton Irwin
Series: Ashton Irwin Is Sad :( [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1590661
Kudos: 52





	Without Black, Colour Has No Depth

**Author's Note:**

> keep safe lads.

"Michael do you want to get sleepyhead? I think he forgot about lunch?" Luke requested, pulling on a boot.  
  
"I don't see how he would've forgotten." Calum rolled his eyes, passing Michael Ashton's spare hotel key. "He's been hyping this place since we got here!"  
  
Michael nodded and left Luke's hotel room, where the band had planned to meet up before lunch. Michael walked past a door before arriving at Ashton's hotel room. He knocked twice and didn't hear a reply so he used the spare key to open it. Michael walked in and looked at the figure in the bedsheets. Hopping over the clothes on the floor, Michael made his way to the bed and his sleeping bandmate.  
  
"Ashton?" Michael called at the bandmate who laid in bed. "C'mon man, we're going out for lunch."  
  
Ashton didn't move and instead stared at the wall.  
  
"Ash? You with me man?" Michael asked and grabbed his friend's shoulder who flinched lightly. Michael knew instantly what was happening. "Shit, sorry! Can you tell me what colour?" Michael asked.  
  
The band had come up with a colour system so Ash didn't have to go in-depth on what was wrong. They made it when they first became a band and Ashton was struggling. Yellow meant Ashton was feeling better, blue meant Ashton felt like he was going to crash within the next few hours, red meant Ashton wanted to do something destructive to himself self-harm wise, orange meant Ashton needed to talk to his therapist, and black meant Ashton was planning to kill himself and he had strayed very far from his light. Black was the rarest one Ashton would say and only happened twice.  
  
"Black. It's so black." Ash let out, voice rough from sobbing the night away.  
  
"Okay, do you want any of us specifically?" Michael said calmly despite the way his heart was racing.  
  
Ashton shook his head. "Alone," He muttered.   
  
"You can't be alone like this, Ash. I'll let the others know, okay? I don't know how to help you on my own." Michael explained. Ashton remained still as a rock as Micahel left to grab his bandmates.  
  
  
Michael walked to the other hotel room to grab his bandmates.  
  
"You took a while," Calum noted as Michael walked in. "Is Ash not coming?"  
  
"It's bad guys, I don't know how to help him," Michael said.   
  
"What colour?" Luke stood up as the walked out to the hotel room.   
  
"Black," Michael said simply.  
  
"Shit." Calum cursed as they made it to Ashton's room.  
  
"Hey, Ash." Luke greeted softly as they walked into the room. Ashton didn't respond but shifted a bit in his bed.  
  
Calum walked around the bed to face Ashton. "Hey, buddy," He smiled. "I'm going to help you go through your safe list so you can try and get out of this hole, okay?" Calum suggested. Ashton didn't respond. Calum nodded to Luke who went into Ashton's bag and looked around for the list. Once he found it, he passed it to Calum who opened it up.  
  
"Okay, have you tried to exercise or listen to music?" Calum asked.  
  
"Don't want to move," Ashton whispered.  
  
"That's okay, do you want us to play music or run you a bath?" Ashton shook his head at Calum's request.  
  
"It's fine," Ashton whispered. "I'm just being dramatic."  
  
"No, you're not," Michael stated. "It's okay you feel this way. Have you eaten anything yet?"   
  
Ashton shook his head.  
  
"Luke and I will go get you some food. Calum will stay here and call your therapist." Michael suggested.  
  
The two bandmates left as Calum called up Ashton's therapist.  
  
"Hey, um I'm Ashton Irwin's friend and he's not doing well. We're going through his plan- safety plan- and he's not doing any of it. I was hoping you could talk to him." There was a pause as Calum nodded and put the phone on speaker for Ashton after he didn't make a move to grab the phone.  
  
"Hello Ashton, would you like to talk to me?" He heard Sarah's voice come through the speaker.  
  
"It's bad." Ashton whimpered.  
  
"Okay, would you care to explain why?" Sarah asked politely.  
  
"I want to die and we have a performance later and everything is pointless. What's the point of life? I wish I died ages ago! Life is shit, no one loves me anymore, I'm worthless, we die in the end so I might as well speed up the process."  
  
"Ashton, can you name five people or things you want to live for? I can give prompts if needed and so can your friends but give the name of at least two by yourself." Sarah said.  
  
"I don't know!" Ashton groaned.  
  
"What about the band?" Calum suggested.  
  
"The band could go on without me, it's not like you'll never make music again!" Ashton exclaimed.  
  
"Ash, the drum is the heart of music!" Calum explained.  
  
"Get another drummer."   
  
"How could we ever replace you? You're our best friend. We don't want you to leave, we love you too much."  
  
"There you are Ashton, the band." Sarah jumped in. "Can you think about anything else to do with the band?"   
  
"The boys," Ashton muttered. "I don't want to leave the boys."  
  
"Well done, Ashton," Sarah said. Ashton scratched at his arm a bit to get some of his destructive habits out.  
  
"What about music?" Calum asked, nodding to Ashton's drumsticks on the floor.  
  
"Music will go on without me," Ashton stated.  
  
"Maybe but you won't ever listen to your favourite songs again." Calum pointed out.  
  
"Or tasting ice cream," Ashton added, without thinking. Calum smiled at the sight of his friend being pulled out of his dark haze.  
  
"There you go, there's another," Sarah said. "What about your family?"  
  
"I'll miss their smiles," Ashton whispered.  
  
"You'll do more harm than good." Calum stroked back Ashton's hair softly to calm him down. "If you leave them." 

"I still want to die."

"It won't be fixed in ten minutes, Ashton. It takes time. Be proud that you're further away from committing the act then you were before." Sarah explained. "I'm proud of you and I can assure you that your friends are too."

"Thank you, Sarah, I'll see you when I get back home." 

"I look forward to seeing you, Ashton," Sarah spoke honestly.

Sarah hung up as Calum looked at Ashton. "I love you so much, mate. I would miss you if you went and I know you don't believe me but you are so important."

Ashton stayed silent as Michael and Luke walked through the door.

"Hey there, look who's up!" Ashton smiled at Luke's greeting.

"Sorry about that," Ashton murmured, smile falling as he brought the duvet to cover his face. 

"None of that," Michael noted. "You just had a moment. You're okay, I promise."

"So, we brought toast, apples, chocolate, berries, and some water." Luke smiled handing Ashton the plate of toast. "We have to make sure you're hydrated, you know?"

Ashton nodded and took a small bite of the toast. 

"You gonna be okay to perform tonight?" Michael asked quietly, knowing exactly what was on his friend's mind. "We can cancel the show."

"We're not cancelling the show!" Ashton jumped. "I'll be fine. Just won't interact with the audience much."

"That's okay." Michael smiled, his voice soft. "You do what you need to to keep safe."

Ashton smiled at his friends and continued to eat. He was moving towards yellow now and he could feel the darkness leave his body. He felt like he could breathe freely now with the boys with him.

"Thank you." He whispered.

"Anytime." The boys smiled.


End file.
